So, after deciding what I want to be when I grow up, I have decided that I am going to be a mortician. Technically, I want to be a licensed funeral director, who, in most cases is also a mortician. More and more, I am extremely fascinated with the embalming portion of it, and having been to one already, and being lucky enough to witness a few on the side...
I like it.
Not the average career for most people, but someone has to do it, and after being around other morticians, I have decided that, I like them. I feel like I have been through enough this past year for me to see the light- in crazy ways. I have been estranged by my family (who I thought were some of my best friends) and my overall perception of people is at an all time low. I can only deal with people in general in their purest forms: as dead people or children.
Career is recession proof. If people are mean, or belligerant, it's because they are probably in the lowest part of their lives at the time. I can understand that.
Here's even more beauty to the job: I can go anywhere and find a position. I am really interested in the different kinds of funerals other cultures have. I was lucky enough to witness a buddhist funeral more recently. The outlook on death in other cultures is astounding to me. Anyway, I am going to be busy because I am working a lot, but hoping to vent here on my Blog of Death. In a more positive way. Have a good one ya'll.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Being One of Those Parents...
After having a couple of kids, there is something I have basically been trying to avoid for awhile. I can't avoid it. It's going to happen. Inevitably, at Soccer, Gymboree, the hospital, friends of friends with babies...only because, I'm a jerk and don't really care too much about other people's kids. I only really care about a handful of other people's kids, because I find the people delightful and yada yada yada. If I haven't held your kid, most likely, I don't really give a damn about them. Here are the kinds of parents I try to avoid being, as well as try to avoid in general:
1. The One Upper: This parent is always telling you what percentile their kid is in. "Well Junior's head was in the 86th percentile..." or Blah Blah's feet are this big... Congratulations, your kid has a huge head. Don't get caught up in a numbers game with these people, you will never win. It's so much nicer to just enjoy libations at the snack bar. This parent's kid is always better than yours, and is usually a pretty ugly kid.
2. The Know it All: These are usually people who have already had a kid and know everything about your kid, and other people's kids. They might actually know more than you about the technical side of raising a kid, but don't let mr or mrs overbearing bring you down.
3. The Neglector: This parent is always on their phone, and their kids always look bored, and will probably end up doing drugs. What a bunch of assholes.
4. The Yeller &/Or Abuser: This person will have a short fuse and be at the end of their rope. Their kids are usually assholes, because their parents are assholes. He or she will yell EVERYTHING to get their point across while talking to you. The usually make the room, very uncomfortable.
5. The Self Centered One: This parent will look great and push around Bugaboo stroller and look great. More than likely, they will look great and look really bothered if their baby cries or spits up on them. They will talk about their weight a lot and will hire a baby sitter just to get their nails done. This person will never talk about their kids, unless it pertains to something about them. Like, "Oh Axl was up all night, now I have all these bags under my eyes..." and they will talk more about themselves.
6. The Jellyfish: This parent will give their child anything, at your expense, at the expense of your child, and never, ever teaches their kids manners. More than likely, their kid is domineering and obnoxious.
7. The Too Much Too Soon: Usually a mom, not so much a dad. She will probably want to sign you up for a ton of volunteer work, and have you working. This is because the Too Much Too Soon Mom needs help with all the shit she has signed up for. I think I fall into this category. We forget about parenting and end up getting caught up in the schedules of things.
Something I noticed about this, is it's kind of a white thing. Hmmm...
1. The One Upper: This parent is always telling you what percentile their kid is in. "Well Junior's head was in the 86th percentile..." or Blah Blah's feet are this big... Congratulations, your kid has a huge head. Don't get caught up in a numbers game with these people, you will never win. It's so much nicer to just enjoy libations at the snack bar. This parent's kid is always better than yours, and is usually a pretty ugly kid.
2. The Know it All: These are usually people who have already had a kid and know everything about your kid, and other people's kids. They might actually know more than you about the technical side of raising a kid, but don't let mr or mrs overbearing bring you down.
3. The Neglector: This parent is always on their phone, and their kids always look bored, and will probably end up doing drugs. What a bunch of assholes.
4. The Yeller &/Or Abuser: This person will have a short fuse and be at the end of their rope. Their kids are usually assholes, because their parents are assholes. He or she will yell EVERYTHING to get their point across while talking to you. The usually make the room, very uncomfortable.
5. The Self Centered One: This parent will look great and push around Bugaboo stroller and look great. More than likely, they will look great and look really bothered if their baby cries or spits up on them. They will talk about their weight a lot and will hire a baby sitter just to get their nails done. This person will never talk about their kids, unless it pertains to something about them. Like, "Oh Axl was up all night, now I have all these bags under my eyes..." and they will talk more about themselves.
6. The Jellyfish: This parent will give their child anything, at your expense, at the expense of your child, and never, ever teaches their kids manners. More than likely, their kid is domineering and obnoxious.
7. The Too Much Too Soon: Usually a mom, not so much a dad. She will probably want to sign you up for a ton of volunteer work, and have you working. This is because the Too Much Too Soon Mom needs help with all the shit she has signed up for. I think I fall into this category. We forget about parenting and end up getting caught up in the schedules of things.
Something I noticed about this, is it's kind of a white thing. Hmmm...
Friday, May 22, 2009
Four Seasons In Rome By Anthony Doerr
So, I have decided I am going to write a book report for all the books that I read from now on. Mostly for me. You can read my usual quick wit and snarky attitude and I get to sort out my brain. We all win. Anyway, I am halfway through this travel narrative and I chose it because it's about traveling abroad with twin babies and it's set in Rome, and because I was helping plan my sister's move, I got Roma in the braina. This is not as bad as Tijuana in the brain where you wake up in a bathtub of luke warm water and your organs are missing. Anyway, he writes choppy and I love that because it's like one thought to another from his head and it gives me time to feel in between. Anyway, this book is also making me hideouly homesick and sad. I don't know why. Is it because my sister left? Is it because the author is extremely homesick too? I don't know. I will add more when I am finished. Thanks have a great weekend.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Perez Hilton and Beauty Pageants
Perez Hilton is a stupid, faux celebrity who doesn't have any legitimate say in politics or the representation of what Californians want. I think his little rant about it bothering Jews and atheists when Christians talk about Christianity is inflammatory and absurd. Although Super-Christians who have the same imbalanced opinion are just as lame.
Oh, and beauty pageants suck too.
Oh, and beauty pageants suck too.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
What to Expect When "What to Expect Books" Don't include What You Didn't Expect To Happen
First of all, since I have been working on this Round The World Trip with my family, I have been looking at a whole bunch of mommy blogs and end up reading about dumb shit I don't care about and getting mad. Since I am all knowing, I decided to dispell some myths for all you expectant mothers out there, and also for the ones that are already mothers and are just too spineless to say it.
Peaves Myth number one: Breastfeeding is great, and if you don't breastfeed you are a bad mother and your kid will come out stupid.
I know all the health reasons as to why breastfeeding is better for your baby. I know all the textbook and verbal instruction given by the teat experts. I can SEE the difference when both my babies had breast fed verses a bottle of formula. I have been told by "them" that if I stopped breastfeeding before Myla or Emily turned one, a. They would come out not as smart as other babies. b. formula tears their intestines up, like they are swallowing glass (no joke). c. It's selfish of me not to breastfeed.
Hunh.
I spent most of my time with Myla feeling guilty that I had stopped breastfeeding her at about 4 months. Then I realized, I was sleeping more and I didn't feel so bad. But the guilt stuck. While Myla grew up as advanced as she was, walking at 9 months and being able to conjugate verbs in 6 languages before she was one, I knew she wasn't going to grow up dumb. Do you know why? I didn't buy into the hype. I was selfish. Oh, and her guts didn't rip apart. By the time I had Emily, I was pretty confident as a mother and NO ONE was going to tell me what I could and couldn't do. I breast fed Emily for the first three months of her life, and then I realized I needed sleep. Again, no ripped up guts and Emily is now the President of Malta. Okay, so breastfeeding is better over formula feeding, but don't let anyone tell you you are a bad mother. Just because you choose to do what maybe your mother did for you and your siblings, which is formula feed. Also, don't feel guilty for getting rest. A rested mother makes a better mother anyway.
Peaves' Myth Number 2: I am only going to feed my toddler, organic, nutritious food.
The mom's that say this, are completely FULL OF SHIT. Unless, they are talking about an only child, or they have a nanny or a chef, or a toddler who eats ANYTHING. You know why? Because when you have a two year old, pureeing carrots and zucchini is pretty much a production line and an event. You don't want an event, you just don't want her to spit water onto the plate, while you also tend to your other child or children. Also, when Toddlers gain their independence they are picky, picky eaters. You get to the point where you just want them to eat ANYTHING, anything all. A deep fried corndog, a piece of processed cheese...a processed chicken nugget, ANYTHING. Of course, I am all for this when possible.
Peaves Myth Number 3: I clean the house twice a day.
Uhhhh, who does this with or without kids anyway?
Peaves Myth Number 4: You can't take a baby anywhere, and I will be trapped in my house for the first two months.
Unless, for medical reasons, you really can't take your newborn out, then you can go places with your newborn. It's true, a breastfeeding schedule or a feeding schedule might bar you from going anywhere very far for the first few weeks, but you are definitely not trapped in the house. Also, newborns immune systems are not very good yet, but just don't let everyone touch him or her until they are older. Also, don't be afraid to tell people they have to wash their hands.
Peaves Myth Number 5: When that baby goes down, you go down.
This is a nice myth. This is also a very unrealistic myth. I WISH I could have slept every time my baby had slept, even before I had a toddler to tend to. Let's pretend for arugments sake that we are talking about my first baby, when it was just me and her and an empty messy apartment during the day. She sleeps, two hours tops. What do I do? I try to lay on the couch and sleep. She stirs. I get up to look at her. I turn around and look again. I realize I never put the milk back in the fridge from when I snuck a bowl of cereal between breast feeding. As I am putting back the milk I realize that I forgot to call the doctor's office back for her month check-up. Then, after I call the doctor's, the husband calls. While I am on the phone I walk over to the bassinet to make sure she is still breathing. He wants to know if everything is okay. You chat it up with him because it's nice to talk to someone for a minute who isn't the doctor's office and who know what's going on out there. You head on back to the couch where you still have about an hour and a half to sleep, but not before you check on her to see if she is still breathing. The dryer's buzzer goes off. You get up to put the wet clothes in the dryer. You fold some onesies, then you realize you haven't gotten anything laid out for the next diaper change. You go and get the stuff out and realize that you have a clean shirt! So you change that...and you brush your teeth! WOW! You are brushing your teeth. You check to see if she is still breathing. Afterwards, you head back to the couch, you now have an hour left. Phone rings. It's your mother, wanting to know if you are getting rest. You talk to her for a minute. You check to see if the baby is still breathing. You try to sit down on the couch and the doorbell rings. It's UPS delivering a present from someone somewhere. You sign for it, open it, oogle at it, make a note to write a thank you card to whoever it's from, and you try to sit down. By this time, the load of laundry is done. You get up and put it in the dryer. You check to see if she is still breathing. Then you realize you are going grocery shopping this afternoon, you make the list and get the small baby bag ready for this outing. Baby stirs. You now have twenty minutes for a nap. You lay down, you can't sleep. And this my friends, is why going down when the baby is asleep is not a very realistic idea.
Peaves Myth Number 6: I don't need to attend a birthing class. I can read about this stuff.
This is possible. But, I have taken a birthing class for both of my pregnancies even though the information I already read about to begin with. What they don't have in books is the experience. You are there with other couples. If you go through your hospital, there is more than likely a hospital tour. They also tell you things you don't get in the books, like... "Don't freak out when you kid looks the way he does when he comes out..." It's also nice to meet other parents who are in the same boat as you and to see that your baby will be ten times cuter than theirs. Also, for the Papa's, they can see other Papa's who complain about pregnancy hormones and mood swings. It's also a nice excuse for a date night.
Peaves Myth Number 7: I have to listen to my mother when it comes to child rearing.
Have you ever listened to her before? Actually, take all adivce from everyone with a grain of salt (especially MINE!) Read a lot, love your babies, use your noggins and try not to raise a bunch of assholes. Of course, if you're an asshole, then your kid will be one too.
Peaves Myth number one: Breastfeeding is great, and if you don't breastfeed you are a bad mother and your kid will come out stupid.
I know all the health reasons as to why breastfeeding is better for your baby. I know all the textbook and verbal instruction given by the teat experts. I can SEE the difference when both my babies had breast fed verses a bottle of formula. I have been told by "them" that if I stopped breastfeeding before Myla or Emily turned one, a. They would come out not as smart as other babies. b. formula tears their intestines up, like they are swallowing glass (no joke). c. It's selfish of me not to breastfeed.
Hunh.
I spent most of my time with Myla feeling guilty that I had stopped breastfeeding her at about 4 months. Then I realized, I was sleeping more and I didn't feel so bad. But the guilt stuck. While Myla grew up as advanced as she was, walking at 9 months and being able to conjugate verbs in 6 languages before she was one, I knew she wasn't going to grow up dumb. Do you know why? I didn't buy into the hype. I was selfish. Oh, and her guts didn't rip apart. By the time I had Emily, I was pretty confident as a mother and NO ONE was going to tell me what I could and couldn't do. I breast fed Emily for the first three months of her life, and then I realized I needed sleep. Again, no ripped up guts and Emily is now the President of Malta. Okay, so breastfeeding is better over formula feeding, but don't let anyone tell you you are a bad mother. Just because you choose to do what maybe your mother did for you and your siblings, which is formula feed. Also, don't feel guilty for getting rest. A rested mother makes a better mother anyway.
Peaves' Myth Number 2: I am only going to feed my toddler, organic, nutritious food.
The mom's that say this, are completely FULL OF SHIT. Unless, they are talking about an only child, or they have a nanny or a chef, or a toddler who eats ANYTHING. You know why? Because when you have a two year old, pureeing carrots and zucchini is pretty much a production line and an event. You don't want an event, you just don't want her to spit water onto the plate, while you also tend to your other child or children. Also, when Toddlers gain their independence they are picky, picky eaters. You get to the point where you just want them to eat ANYTHING, anything all. A deep fried corndog, a piece of processed cheese...a processed chicken nugget, ANYTHING. Of course, I am all for this when possible.
Peaves Myth Number 3: I clean the house twice a day.
Uhhhh, who does this with or without kids anyway?
Peaves Myth Number 4: You can't take a baby anywhere, and I will be trapped in my house for the first two months.
Unless, for medical reasons, you really can't take your newborn out, then you can go places with your newborn. It's true, a breastfeeding schedule or a feeding schedule might bar you from going anywhere very far for the first few weeks, but you are definitely not trapped in the house. Also, newborns immune systems are not very good yet, but just don't let everyone touch him or her until they are older. Also, don't be afraid to tell people they have to wash their hands.
Peaves Myth Number 5: When that baby goes down, you go down.
This is a nice myth. This is also a very unrealistic myth. I WISH I could have slept every time my baby had slept, even before I had a toddler to tend to. Let's pretend for arugments sake that we are talking about my first baby, when it was just me and her and an empty messy apartment during the day. She sleeps, two hours tops. What do I do? I try to lay on the couch and sleep. She stirs. I get up to look at her. I turn around and look again. I realize I never put the milk back in the fridge from when I snuck a bowl of cereal between breast feeding. As I am putting back the milk I realize that I forgot to call the doctor's office back for her month check-up. Then, after I call the doctor's, the husband calls. While I am on the phone I walk over to the bassinet to make sure she is still breathing. He wants to know if everything is okay. You chat it up with him because it's nice to talk to someone for a minute who isn't the doctor's office and who know what's going on out there. You head on back to the couch where you still have about an hour and a half to sleep, but not before you check on her to see if she is still breathing. The dryer's buzzer goes off. You get up to put the wet clothes in the dryer. You fold some onesies, then you realize you haven't gotten anything laid out for the next diaper change. You go and get the stuff out and realize that you have a clean shirt! So you change that...and you brush your teeth! WOW! You are brushing your teeth. You check to see if she is still breathing. Afterwards, you head back to the couch, you now have an hour left. Phone rings. It's your mother, wanting to know if you are getting rest. You talk to her for a minute. You check to see if the baby is still breathing. You try to sit down on the couch and the doorbell rings. It's UPS delivering a present from someone somewhere. You sign for it, open it, oogle at it, make a note to write a thank you card to whoever it's from, and you try to sit down. By this time, the load of laundry is done. You get up and put it in the dryer. You check to see if she is still breathing. Then you realize you are going grocery shopping this afternoon, you make the list and get the small baby bag ready for this outing. Baby stirs. You now have twenty minutes for a nap. You lay down, you can't sleep. And this my friends, is why going down when the baby is asleep is not a very realistic idea.
Peaves Myth Number 6: I don't need to attend a birthing class. I can read about this stuff.
This is possible. But, I have taken a birthing class for both of my pregnancies even though the information I already read about to begin with. What they don't have in books is the experience. You are there with other couples. If you go through your hospital, there is more than likely a hospital tour. They also tell you things you don't get in the books, like... "Don't freak out when you kid looks the way he does when he comes out..." It's also nice to meet other parents who are in the same boat as you and to see that your baby will be ten times cuter than theirs. Also, for the Papa's, they can see other Papa's who complain about pregnancy hormones and mood swings. It's also a nice excuse for a date night.
Peaves Myth Number 7: I have to listen to my mother when it comes to child rearing.
Have you ever listened to her before? Actually, take all adivce from everyone with a grain of salt (especially MINE!) Read a lot, love your babies, use your noggins and try not to raise a bunch of assholes. Of course, if you're an asshole, then your kid will be one too.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Twilight Series vs Bacon Cheeseburgers
After attending "The Con" as many people refer to it, I would always see a long line of teenage girls, anxiously looking forward, to the front of a long line. The line would be there when I left, and when I came back a few hours later, the line would still be there.
I would always ask, "What are you guys in line for? Bacon cheeseburgers?" I can't think of anything I would want to wait in line for that long unless it had bacon or meat or cheese in it's title.
One of the drooling teenage girls would haughtily tell me, "Twilight," like I was supposed to automatically know what the fuck she was talking about. "It's a book about this girl, who falls in love with a vampire...and blah blah blah." I walk away before I even care. Duh. We've already seen this with Buffy and Angel.
Or have we?
I got not one, but two copies of the first Twilight book for Christmas last year. A month later, on our trip to the Philippines, who had two thumbs and read all four Twilight books in 72 hours? (Points both thumbs towards myself). THIS GIRL.
Yep, I read them all like they were in fact, bacon cheeseburgers. I devoured them, and enjoyed them and felt guilty in the end.
SPOILER WARNINGS....
Here's what I think about the writing: At first was kind of distracting, because it wasn't very good. I felt like I was reading a 16 year old girl's diary and I had broken the little plastic lock. Turns out, I think that is Stephenie Meyers' point. She focuses on how Bella feels and acts which I don't like very much. I can't tap into the 16 year old girl's psyche much. Possibly because I was stoned a lot when I was 16 years old, and that part of my brain is basically gone. After I got over the whole 16 year old girl thing, I realized the problem is I don't like Bella. I can't tell what she is thinking. WHOA! That's why I keep reading and that is why Edward loves her! He can't read her mind. This whole series is kind of a mind fuck. Meyer's portrays this awesome sexual tension between Edward and Bella and I think throughout the first book they never have a satisfying kiss. And you end up really wanting them to kiss. So you read and you read hoping they'll kiss or have sex or even dry hump for crying out loud.
Seriously though, I think the plot in the series development is fantastic and I really cared about what has happening next. I thought that Meyer's character development was poor, but then I realized it wasn't. If her characters weren't well rounded why did I want to know what happened next? Another mind game.
Needless to say, I was more than reasonably entertained.
So Twilight vs a Bacon Cheeseburger? I think I would pick the Twilight Series. That's saying a lot people, you know how much I love those damn sandwiches.
Some Notes on the Twilight Movie:
I was definitely glad I read the books and then watched the movie. The guy who plays Edward is spot on and Bella too. I don't like the little twinkly eyed twerp they cast as Jacob though. I thought he should be singing in a High School Musical or something. I feel like he is supposed to be kind of competition for Edward, so that you can justify the fact that Bella contemplates Jacob while Edward is away. But movie-Jacob would get the shit kicked out of him faster than you could say "vampire penis." Ahhh well, we'll see in New Moon.
I would always ask, "What are you guys in line for? Bacon cheeseburgers?" I can't think of anything I would want to wait in line for that long unless it had bacon or meat or cheese in it's title.
One of the drooling teenage girls would haughtily tell me, "Twilight," like I was supposed to automatically know what the fuck she was talking about. "It's a book about this girl, who falls in love with a vampire...and blah blah blah." I walk away before I even care. Duh. We've already seen this with Buffy and Angel.
Or have we?
I got not one, but two copies of the first Twilight book for Christmas last year. A month later, on our trip to the Philippines, who had two thumbs and read all four Twilight books in 72 hours? (Points both thumbs towards myself). THIS GIRL.
Yep, I read them all like they were in fact, bacon cheeseburgers. I devoured them, and enjoyed them and felt guilty in the end.
SPOILER WARNINGS....
Here's what I think about the writing: At first was kind of distracting, because it wasn't very good. I felt like I was reading a 16 year old girl's diary and I had broken the little plastic lock. Turns out, I think that is Stephenie Meyers' point. She focuses on how Bella feels and acts which I don't like very much. I can't tap into the 16 year old girl's psyche much. Possibly because I was stoned a lot when I was 16 years old, and that part of my brain is basically gone. After I got over the whole 16 year old girl thing, I realized the problem is I don't like Bella. I can't tell what she is thinking. WHOA! That's why I keep reading and that is why Edward loves her! He can't read her mind. This whole series is kind of a mind fuck. Meyer's portrays this awesome sexual tension between Edward and Bella and I think throughout the first book they never have a satisfying kiss. And you end up really wanting them to kiss. So you read and you read hoping they'll kiss or have sex or even dry hump for crying out loud.
Seriously though, I think the plot in the series development is fantastic and I really cared about what has happening next. I thought that Meyer's character development was poor, but then I realized it wasn't. If her characters weren't well rounded why did I want to know what happened next? Another mind game.
Needless to say, I was more than reasonably entertained.
So Twilight vs a Bacon Cheeseburger? I think I would pick the Twilight Series. That's saying a lot people, you know how much I love those damn sandwiches.
Some Notes on the Twilight Movie:
I was definitely glad I read the books and then watched the movie. The guy who plays Edward is spot on and Bella too. I don't like the little twinkly eyed twerp they cast as Jacob though. I thought he should be singing in a High School Musical or something. I feel like he is supposed to be kind of competition for Edward, so that you can justify the fact that Bella contemplates Jacob while Edward is away. But movie-Jacob would get the shit kicked out of him faster than you could say "vampire penis." Ahhh well, we'll see in New Moon.
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