What to Expect When "What to Expect Books" Don't include What You Didn't Expect To Happen

First of all, since I have been working on this Round The World Trip with my family, I have been looking at a whole bunch of mommy blogs and end up reading about dumb shit I don't care about and getting mad. Since I am all knowing, I decided to dispell some myths for all you expectant mothers out there, and also for the ones that are already mothers and are just too spineless to say it.
Peaves Myth number one: Breastfeeding is great, and if you don't breastfeed you are a bad mother and your kid will come out stupid.

I know all the health reasons as to why breastfeeding is better for your baby. I know all the textbook and verbal instruction given by the teat experts. I can SEE the difference when both my babies had breast fed verses a bottle of formula. I have been told by "them" that if I stopped breastfeeding before Myla or Emily turned one, a. They would come out not as smart as other babies. b. formula tears their intestines up, like they are swallowing glass (no joke). c. It's selfish of me not to breastfeed.

Hunh.

I spent most of my time with Myla feeling guilty that I had stopped breastfeeding her at about 4 months. Then I realized, I was sleeping more and I didn't feel so bad. But the guilt stuck. While Myla grew up as advanced as she was, walking at 9 months and being able to conjugate verbs in 6 languages before she was one, I knew she wasn't going to grow up dumb. Do you know why? I didn't buy into the hype. I was selfish. Oh, and her guts didn't rip apart. By the time I had Emily, I was pretty confident as a mother and NO ONE was going to tell me what I could and couldn't do. I breast fed Emily for the first three months of her life, and then I realized I needed sleep. Again, no ripped up guts and Emily is now the President of Malta. Okay, so breastfeeding is better over formula feeding, but don't let anyone tell you you are a bad mother. Just because you choose to do what maybe your mother did for you and your siblings, which is formula feed. Also, don't feel guilty for getting rest. A rested mother makes a better mother anyway.

Peaves' Myth Number 2: I am only going to feed my toddler, organic, nutritious food.
The mom's that say this, are completely FULL OF SHIT. Unless, they are talking about an only child, or they have a nanny or a chef, or a toddler who eats ANYTHING. You know why? Because when you have a two year old, pureeing carrots and zucchini is pretty much a production line and an event. You don't want an event, you just don't want her to spit water onto the plate, while you also tend to your other child or children. Also, when Toddlers gain their independence they are picky, picky eaters. You get to the point where you just want them to eat ANYTHING, anything all. A deep fried corndog, a piece of processed cheese...a processed chicken nugget, ANYTHING. Of course, I am all for this when possible.

Peaves Myth Number 3: I clean the house twice a day.
Uhhhh, who does this with or without kids anyway?

Peaves Myth Number 4: You can't take a baby anywhere, and I will be trapped in my house for the first two months.
Unless, for medical reasons, you really can't take your newborn out, then you can go places with your newborn. It's true, a breastfeeding schedule or a feeding schedule might bar you from going anywhere very far for the first few weeks, but you are definitely not trapped in the house. Also, newborns immune systems are not very good yet, but just don't let everyone touch him or her until they are older. Also, don't be afraid to tell people they have to wash their hands.

Peaves Myth Number 5: When that baby goes down, you go down.
This is a nice myth. This is also a very unrealistic myth. I WISH I could have slept every time my baby had slept, even before I had a toddler to tend to. Let's pretend for arugments sake that we are talking about my first baby, when it was just me and her and an empty messy apartment during the day. She sleeps, two hours tops. What do I do? I try to lay on the couch and sleep. She stirs. I get up to look at her. I turn around and look again. I realize I never put the milk back in the fridge from when I snuck a bowl of cereal between breast feeding. As I am putting back the milk I realize that I forgot to call the doctor's office back for her month check-up. Then, after I call the doctor's, the husband calls. While I am on the phone I walk over to the bassinet to make sure she is still breathing. He wants to know if everything is okay. You chat it up with him because it's nice to talk to someone for a minute who isn't the doctor's office and who know what's going on out there. You head on back to the couch where you still have about an hour and a half to sleep, but not before you check on her to see if she is still breathing. The dryer's buzzer goes off. You get up to put the wet clothes in the dryer. You fold some onesies, then you realize you haven't gotten anything laid out for the next diaper change. You go and get the stuff out and realize that you have a clean shirt! So you change that...and you brush your teeth! WOW! You are brushing your teeth. You check to see if she is still breathing. Afterwards, you head back to the couch, you now have an hour left. Phone rings. It's your mother, wanting to know if you are getting rest. You talk to her for a minute. You check to see if the baby is still breathing. You try to sit down on the couch and the doorbell rings. It's UPS delivering a present from someone somewhere. You sign for it, open it, oogle at it, make a note to write a thank you card to whoever it's from, and you try to sit down. By this time, the load of laundry is done. You get up and put it in the dryer. You check to see if she is still breathing. Then you realize you are going grocery shopping this afternoon, you make the list and get the small baby bag ready for this outing. Baby stirs. You now have twenty minutes for a nap. You lay down, you can't sleep. And this my friends, is why going down when the baby is asleep is not a very realistic idea.

Peaves Myth Number 6: I don't need to attend a birthing class. I can read about this stuff.
This is possible. But, I have taken a birthing class for both of my pregnancies even though the information I already read about to begin with. What they don't have in books is the experience. You are there with other couples. If you go through your hospital, there is more than likely a hospital tour. They also tell you things you don't get in the books, like... "Don't freak out when you kid looks the way he does when he comes out..." It's also nice to meet other parents who are in the same boat as you and to see that your baby will be ten times cuter than theirs. Also, for the Papa's, they can see other Papa's who complain about pregnancy hormones and mood swings. It's also a nice excuse for a date night.

Peaves Myth Number 7: I have to listen to my mother when it comes to child rearing.
Have you ever listened to her before? Actually, take all adivce from everyone with a grain of salt (especially MINE!) Read a lot, love your babies, use your noggins and try not to raise a bunch of assholes. Of course, if you're an asshole, then your kid will be one too.